Floating World

I just applied for college !!!

(Selective) Memory Loss

I can’t remember my password for my Tumblr, but because I am currently comfortable in a coffee shop and because my computer remembers it for me, here I am.

A thousand people have told me I need to write again. However. My fingers on this keyboard are almost numb. I sincerely despise the word jaded, but reading back over past private and public journal entries show just how dispassionate and tolerant I’ve become. In a way, it protects my stability. In another, I’m dead in a Bukowski sort of way. I’ve let the world win. Have I let the world win??

Reality is always more than the sum of the parts. So when people describe me, I take into consideration my internal dialogue as well as what I’ve shown them. Parker says I’m very Zen; Lindsay says she feel calmer in my presence. Christina says my apartment is Zen. While inside sometimes I think I’m going to explode. But I do achieve those moments when I believe them. When my mind is still and my feathers are incapable of being ruffled. Right now I feel that way. Say anything, do anything to me and you can’t hurt me because my inner is peaceful. Part of it is just an accumulation of wisdom and the words of the teachers I’ve let myself be exposed to, such as the Tao Te Ching. I credit a huge part of my calm mind to that amazing piece of literature. I recommend it to everyone. Part of it is how much I’ve already overcome, which, yea, admittedly does make me a little snobby when it comes to others worries.

I have to reign myself back in and remember everything is relative and to a person who never had to contemplate never waking up again in a hospital (several times over) that a break up or a car wreck may be monumental. I just don’t. I whine and gossip just the same. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. So, I doubt, if I do continue to write here, that you will hear any romantic drivel from me. I have betrayed and been betrayed plenty more. I just forget about it (replace it with new memories) & keep moving. I want to tattoo “surprise me. i dare you.” on my body. This is where Playa Fly’s “Nobody” starts playing, btw.

On a positive note, my quasi-jaded attitude makes me value my true friends on an incredibly deep level. If I love you, I’ll never stop loving you. I’ll tough love you to death, but loyal love you, too. I think this is enough talking for today. More learning, listening, and people watching.

lifted my skirt up and impaled myself

let your body restore my health

fell apart all over you

picking up the shards never could undo

what was done is now past

recall it through the looking glass